I want to confess something. im rubbish. Im not really me i'm an almagamation of things I want to be but dont have the guts or skill to be.
You know I started a blog 3 years ago on blogger because someone I didnt like was on there and I wanted to be more popular than her. thats a really petty pathetic reason for doing something, it turned out that actually blogging was really cathartic and I kinda stopped using that site and moved on, but still thinking about that all those years ago now still makes me feel pretty ashamed.
Its the same with some of my artwork, not my newest stuff because i've learnt from what i've done previously, but some of my older stuff, the stuff that people really like comes from looking at other peoples artwork and copying bits. Thats not talent is it? I mean copying someone elses talent doesnt make you talented. Hence the reason why im rubbish, and quite a bit of a cheater you want to see talent go to people like http://queenofdorks.deviantart.com/ or http://celesse.deviantart.com/ they're proper artists, secretly a teeny tiny part of me hopes that back in the days when they were beginning they too had to look at other peoples artwork to learn, but I should at least give them credit for helping me out.
Its the same with dieting. i came off the cambridge diet and im doing well not eating chocolate and living on salad and suchlike, but I cheated on losing weight. being on teh cambridge diet takes you away from food completely so you dont have to bother with it. the minute you're around food again its a whole different ball game. I really admire people who eat properly and healthily and exercise and lose weight the hard work way, like my friends debbie and linda, and my husbands mum. Its a struggle but they do it. its what im now trying to do and finding tricky.
The things im most proud of, my guitar, song writing skills, my crochet work. these things, they're mine.


I do them and I do them 100% as me. I think thats why im proud of them theyre 100% effort of mine, I'm studying at the moment, doing a degree in psychology, hoping to maybe learn a bit more about what makes me tick and the person I am. then perhaps I can iron out these kinks and get myself sorted into a proper person. Although most proper people have flaws, I just seem to have a batch of them
